Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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