I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i can't believe i had my finger in that
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
