He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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