I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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