i think my tv is drunk
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
