Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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