I'm so fucking centered right now
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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