I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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