I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
