I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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