apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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