so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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