Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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