my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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