I murdered the dance floor call the cops
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
