That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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