The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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