we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
