My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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