you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
