He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize