Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
