My girlfriend figured out who you are.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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