woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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