Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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