She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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