just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
