a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
