I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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