Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
