my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize