Taylor Swift is so right about you.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
someone get that fucking seahorse.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
