I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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