We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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