White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
