dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
