I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
