But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He better not be in your backpack
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
