Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
only you would photoshop your dick
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
