I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
