if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
