i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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