College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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