3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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