Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
