I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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