Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
