I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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