I can feel you judging me through the phone.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
