I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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