u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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