The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
