While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
