at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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