I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I don't deserve a penis
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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