I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
