My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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