my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
