i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
