i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
